You could almost hear Hugh Hewitt squirm in his seat during his radio show as he interviewed Christopher Hitchens Wednesday, Nov 8. As I remember it (I wish I had recorded it) Mr. Hewitt had asked Mr. Hitchens how we would fare with a Democrat majority in Congress. In that context, Mr. Hitchens made a refreshingly candid comment about corrupt Democrats, citing the still shady shady land deal Mormon Senator Harry Reid made with his (presumably) Mormon friends - the latter whom I've speculated about already in this blog. Too bad the blogosphere hasn't looked more into Senator Reid's friends and what his relationship is to them. I expect they're all church members, long time friends dating back to missionary days. I "prophesize" there will be a lot more financial darkness to be found if one shines some light.

What got Mr. Hewitt asquriming (that's Book of Mormon King James English) is that Mr. Hitchens "sinned" on the air when he specifically used the term "Mormon" to refer to Reid and his co-conspirators. (As in "a bunch of Mormons" I think he said.) To which Mr. Hewitt tried to defend the faith. [Not THE faith, as commanded in the Bible (Jude 3), but that other faith]. He asked Mr. Hitchens what he had against Mormons.

Mr. Hitchens then said something to the effect that they were "Smithites" and it was ridiculous for anyone to believe Joseph Smith's story of digging up (and then burying) a bunch of gold plates. (Not plates as in dinnerware. "Plates" akin to pages in a book. Except instead of paper, these pages were made of gold.)

Good for Mr. Hitchens. He knows more about Joseph Smith than most Americans. And unlike most Americans, he isn't afraid to speak his mind, even if what he thinks is labeled double ungood by Mr. Hewitt, who abitrarily labeled (slandered?) him a religious bigot in an attempt to silence him.

But Mr. Hitchens wasn't afraid to say it's a ridiculous story, and by implication (if he didn't say it outright, and I think he did) that it was ridiculous for anyone to believe the story. He didn't say this next part, but it might lead to bizarre, unpredictable thinking in other aspects of one's life too, as a belief in 72 virgins has already lead to bizarre actions by some. I heard that George Will thought the Book of Mormon a ridiculous story... until meeting with Mitt Romney. (Must have been Romney's "testimony".) Let's see what you think.

Focusing only on the story of the gold plates in this post, a young, teenage Joseph Smith claims to have had a visitation by, among other beings, an "angel." Except that this angel isn't like any angel in the Bible. This visitor was the spirit of a dead man - that is, a ghost! But according to God, men don't become angels in the next life, despite the terrible, unBiblical pop theology in the movies A Christmas Carol and It's a Wonderful Life. Nor, according to God, do men become gods, as in Mormonism.


In the Bible, God said to execute those who consulted the dead. Nevertheless, Smith said this ghost man's name was Moroni. That his father, Mormon, a descendant from Israel, a "Nephite" (as opposed to identifying himself from one of the 12 tribes), engraved a compilation of ancient history, heretofore unrecorded, on gold plates. (Must be expensive to make a mistake.) Like so many things unique to Joseph's story that cannot be substantiated, the plates were connivently said to be written in a language no one knows or has heard of,  Reformed Egyptian. (I'm not making this up.)

Why would a Jew write Scripture in Egyptian? So you can get the best spin possible, here is a Mormon friendly answer, explaining away all the problems with this heretofore unknown langauge, making out of whole cloth a reason why a Jewish scribe didn't write in Hebrew. Except he never considers the simplest explanation: that Joseph Smith made the whole thing up.

Ignoring Smith's history and criminal conviction for treasure hunting (i.e. conning people), it wasn't until some time later that Joseph was allowed (by the dead guy, he said) to receive the plates. After digging them out. They were buried, he claims, in the Hill Cumorah, in New York State. The Mormons have an annual pageant celebrating this site and event.

Mormons will try to argue how much the plates weighed, because it's an important discrepancy in the story, needed to test for ridiculousness. Using Smith's own description that, "each plate was six inches wide and eight inches long and not quite so thick as common tin.... The volume was something near six inches in thickness...." it's quite easy to calculate the weight of this volume of gold. If indeed there were such gold plates.

Basic science says they had to have weighed a lot. On the order of 200 pounds. But consider this next part: "he wrapped the plates in his frock and started for home with them 'under his arm,' when he was chased through the woods by a man who gave him a 'heavy blow with a gun.' Knocking the man down with a single punch, Joseph ran 'at the top of his speed' for a half mile and was assaulted in the same manner two more times before arriving safely, suffering only a dislocated thumb." You would think the dead guy "angel" would know better than to tell Smith to dig up the gold plates with bad guys around. Or might have given him some assistance, blinding the men, as true angels often did in the Bible. Good thing there wasn't any Kryptonite around, or Joseph might have dislocated more than his thumb. But I digress.

It is said, "The plates probably weighed at least sixty pounds." Except they couldn't. They would have had to weigh a LOT more. Even at sixty pounds, that's too much to "wrap in a frock, under one arm" while fighting off a man, running at top speed and then fighting off two more men. Even an ESPN World's Strongest Man contestant would have trouble with this. There's a facsimile of plates made out of lead (which is lighter than gold) at the Utah Lighthouse Ministry that you can try to "heft" for yourself. This lead facsimile weights 117 lbs. It would weigh nearly 200 pounds if made of gold,making this story impossible.

Can you think of a simple explanation to resolve the problems of the incorrect weight and the impossibility of carrying same with one arm, while fighting and running? (Hint: Christopher Hitchens already said it. Mormons won't even consider it. "Seeds of Apostasy" doncha know. A characteristic of a cult.)

Only a few other people (11) claimed to have seen the plates. Or did they? Some were in Smith's family. No vested interest there! Others were a member of another family, one of the first converts to the church even before it was a church. (Later excommunicated.) Again, nothing for these people to gain, except converts and maybe some tithes, by claiming to have seen the plates, right?

Despite the facts so far, holding out hope above hope, like Alan Colmes hoping there's some other logical explanation for semen on the Blue Dress, maybe these difficulties could possibly be addressed if we could simply examine the supposed gold plates ourselves. Oh, too bad. Smith conveniently claims the ghost told him to give the plates back and they're somewhere in the Hill again. Maybe the church should excavate? They ought to be easy to find if young Joseph could dig them out.

Like believing in Santa Claus, you'll just have to put reason aside and take this story on faith. But unlike the Christian faith, where people still know Hebrew and Greek, where we have lots of manuscript evidence for the autographs, this faith would be a blind faith.

And I haven't even told the stories of how Joseph Smith "translated" this unknown language - a language he didn't know either - Reformed Egyptian, into English. Glasses? Stone? Salamander?

As Bill O'Reilly might say, and as Christopher Hitchens did: Ridiculous.

TO BE CONTINUED. (It's late)

Hugh's Disclaimer. (ad infinitum)
Claims of Religious Bigotry.
Bigots Paul, John and Jesus.